Omnia

Google “shadow work” and you’ll know what I’m talking about. I’m not going to waste time in explaining what it is. GenAI is there to help you get all sorts of answers to basic questions.

Funny thing is I asked ChatGPT to help me do my shadow work. It gave me a f**k all generic list of things to do to start my shadow work.

One should be curious to ask “you want to do shadow work to deal with what issue?” You’re an intelligent reader, I must say. My issue is this intense feeling of being unworthy of love, respect and regard. This feeling sits so down below in the deepest point of my core that words fail to explain how I struggle with it every second of my existence. I could google and write down the smallest possible unit of existence but I’ll lose my flow. Imagine I just mocked myself mentally for not knowing the smallest unit of existence. I’m tempted to say electrons, protons and all that jazz but I didn’t like physics in school. And since then god knows how many more smallest possible unit of existence must have been found. I think I lost my flow, let me just google it now.

Effing hell, it is indeed electrons. Protons and Neutrons are made of quarks but quarks are larger than electrons as of now. Guess who told me so? Long live ChatGPT.

Let me try to find my flow…words fail to explain how I struggle with it every second of my existence. I accepted this reality last night. I have been trying to avoid confronting this bitter truth of my being but I was left with no option but to say it out loud (or write it down in my notes) when I couldn’t understand why am I still following the life of my ex on social media. Oh the immense satisfaction that my shadow gets, and even more intense pain that my being experiences every time I see my ex treating his new girlfriend the way I had wanted him to treat me. Shadow feels empowered as it wins, my being suffers because it loses…loses the battle against the shadow to prove it wrong that I’m unworthy of love, respect and regard. It hurts. As if this wasn’t enough – I chased a guy who repeatedly rejected me, I told him I liked him, he rejected me. I told him I wanted to keep it FWB, he rejected it. The immense pain that I derived out of that chase was so futile and unnecessary but oh ask my shadow…enjoyed every tiniest bit of it. This masochism isn’t restricted to romantic relationships, move on to the professional life – I’m the biggest loser in the company…walking on eggshells, waiting for the day they’ll realise “why the eff did we hire her?” and get rid of me. Every word I pronounce incorrectly, every sentence I say incorrectly, every question I ask which was too basic…is followed by a stab in my stomach by my shadow. I see my name and photo on a wall of achievement and I want to puke. I avoid the area as much as is possible. My parents love me but…oh the incredible jealousy that my siblings show against that love. Their jealousy is so palpable that I fight with my parents so that the siblings feel better and I am no longer subjected to their jealousy. Life was much better when my parents didn’t outwardly accept that they loved me the most. Since the day they did it, I’m nothing but a problem for the siblings. “What exactly has she done to deserve their love and attention? She’s done nothing but brought immense shame to the family yet she’s loved the most. The day our parents would get to know of it, they’ll stop loving her.” are the thoughts that run through my siblings’ mind and so do mine. It is only my friendships back home that keep me alive.

A zoned-out for a bit.

So coming back to the main course of this blog – how do I do some shadow work. There is no way that I want to live my life feeling like I do above. Clearly my will power isn’t powerful enough to beat the shadow. I don’t want to beat my shadow – I want to become friends with her. I want to know how did it gather so much negativity about me? Who told my shadow that I’m unworthy of love, respect and regard? Why? I’m pretty sure it all happened when I was a child. I don’t remember what was happening around me. Somehow those impressions have lasted with me to this day. Now I can’t go back into my childhood and fix stuff. What I can do is hold the hand of that infant/toddler me – and show her the reality – reality that she is worthy of love, respect and regard. I would call the innocent toddler me – Baby <my name>. I would call my shadow – Karen.

Next question how am I going to show Baby <my name> that she’s worthy of love, respect and regard.

1. I’ll set goals – really small goals.
2. Give myself a deadline of completing that goal.
3. Make sure that I complete that goal.
4. When I’m working hard towards achieving that goal, I’ll show baby <my name> how hard/smart I am working to achieve this goal.
5. I’ll praise myself in front of baby <my name> and say the most beautiful things to her and make sure baby <my name> is listening to those beautiful compliments.
6. Once I finish the goal, I’ll ask baby <my name> “Are you proud of me? Do you feel good that this is how your future self lives her life? Do you think you can trust your future self? Do you think you can rely on your future self?”

I’ll hope that baby <my name>’s answers would be “Yes”. I’ll come back after a month and give an update on how do I feel, how does baby <my name> feel.

Until then, ciao amigos

Your anonymous blogger